I come to you today to admit I have a
problem:
I love glitter.
I love sparklies, rhinestones, and shinies so much, I have caused entire raid wipes because something sparkled in the distance, and my obsessive, ferret-brain overtook my senses and forced me into action. I have an actual rhinestone dealer saved in my bookmarks...and I am convinced all enemies can be defeated with a glitter gun.
The movie, Predator. Imagine, if you will, an alternate
timeline...where Arnie carried glitter guns instead of regular guns. What
do we always see in movie-ism, where the bad guy or threat is invisible? Nobody can
do anything until they can spill some ink or water (or something liquid-ous) on
said Baddy McBadderson.
Now, think again: Predator is invisible…and that dude is, well...kinda sticky.
Now, think again: Predator is invisible…and that dude is, well...kinda sticky.
Introducing: THE GLITTER GUN! Arnie would have made short work of
Mr. Dental Nightmare with just one dose. That shizzle would have stuck EVERYwhere!
So, first now Predator has a SUPER obvious (and prominently pretty) target on his
back.
Secondly...glitter is kinda gritty. IMAGINE what that thigh-rash duder is gonna
have after a mile with that stuck in his crotch. AND...if Predator gives
up the silly goose and goes home...Mrs. "Dental Nightmare" is totally gonna know
he was at the strip club. Done-zo, buddy.
Predator = 0, Glitter = 1
Depression. Now, I know you might be
thinking: "Well, that escalated quickly," but hear me out. How can you be
upset if you sparkle? Having a bad day? Pop some shimmer lotion on! Need a
quick pick me up? Try a laser pointer and a fur, pant-wearing quadruped. The
results may not be as long-lasting, but it will definitely provide a
distraction and a quick dose of snicker-giggles.
Depression = 0, Shinies = 2
Did everyone see the viral video of the
engineer who put glitter bombs into packages to thwart package thieves? Despite
perhaps being staged, those peeps still got a massive dose of craft herpes,
followed by an intense battle with a vacuum. And speaking from experience, the
vacuum did not win. They're still finding bits when out and about!
Staged
thieves = 0, Glitter 5
So, at this point our count looks like:
Enemies = 0
Glitter/Shinies/Sparklies = 7
But be warned...you can turn the tide
of battle against yourself!
Raid = 0
Home Team = 0
Team-Killing Glitter Distraction = 20, full wipe.
Healers in tears. Tank takes
ball and goes home.
______________________________________
Necole Monere is the published author of a plastic-bag-addicted tabby and glitter aficionado, Captain of the Silly Song Club, and humor columnist. Often found annoying cats by twerking. If you wish to read more of her work, check out:
...a tale of tabby woe, as a hefty kitty deals with his crinkly addictions.
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