Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Necole Monere: Glitter is Good

I come to you today to admit I have a problem:

I love glitter.

I love sparklies, rhinestones, and shinies so much, I have caused entire raid wipes because something sparkled in the distance, and my obsessive, ferret-brain overtook my senses and forced me into action. I have an actual rhinestone dealer saved in my bookmarks...and I am convinced all enemies can be defeated with a glitter gun.

The movie, Predator. Imagine, if you will, an alternate timeline...where Arnie carried glitter guns instead of regular guns. What do we always see in movie-ism, where the bad guy or threat is invisible? Nobody can do anything until they can spill some ink or water (or something liquid-ous) on said Baddy McBadderson.

Now, think again: Predator is invisible…and that dude is, well...kinda sticky.

Introducing: THE GLITTER GUN! Arnie would have made short work of Mr. Dental Nightmare with just one dose. That shizzle would have stuck EVERYwhere! So, first now Predator has a SUPER obvious (and prominently pretty) target on his back.

Secondly...glitter is kinda gritty. IMAGINE what that thigh-rash duder is gonna have after a mile with that stuck in his crotch. AND...if Predator gives up the silly goose and goes home...Mrs. "Dental Nightmare" is totally gonna know he was at the strip club. Done-zo, buddy.

Predator = 0, Glitter = 1

Depression. Now, I know you might be thinking: "Well, that escalated quickly," but hear me out. How can you be upset if you sparkle? Having a bad day? Pop some shimmer lotion on! Need a quick pick me up? Try a laser pointer and a fur, pant-wearing quadruped. The results may not be as long-lasting, but it will definitely provide a distraction and a quick dose of snicker-giggles.

Depression = 0, Shinies = 2

Did everyone see the viral video of the engineer who put glitter bombs into packages to thwart package thieves? Despite perhaps being staged, those peeps still got a massive dose of craft herpes, followed by an intense battle with a vacuum. And speaking from experience, the vacuum did not win. They're still finding bits when out and about!

Staged thieves = 0, Glitter 5 

So, at this point our count looks like:

Enemies = 0
Glitter/Shinies/Sparklies = 7

But be warned...you can turn the tide of battle against yourself!

Raid = 0
Home Team = 0

Team-Killing Glitter Distraction = 20, full wipe.

Healers in tears. Tank takes ball and goes home.

Necole Monere is the published author of a plastic-bag-addicted tabby and glitter aficionado, Captain of the Silly Song Club, and humor columnist. Often found annoying cats by twerking. If you wish to read more of her work, check out:

...a tale of tabby woe, as a hefty kitty deals with his crinkly addictions.

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